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Scooting along.

Rainbow Dash flew up to her house. She'd had a long day, after ponyville's scheduled drought the rain clouds had taken a lot of work.
"Ah, another day of awesome work. Rainbowdash, you are the pony!" She flopped down on the cloud bed, exhausted.
"And now, it's time for some awesome shut eye."
Rainbow closed her eyes and listened to the rain tap against the window. She loved the sound, immediately she began to snore. She really loved her job as the resident weatherpony. The flying, the smell of the clouds, the respect it brought, she loved every second.
There was a small tap at the front door. Rainbow stirred slightly, snoring even louder. The tapping continued.
"No, no, I couldn't possibly be a wonderbolt mmmhhh..." she mumbled, "Well, maybe..."
The tapping grew more obsessive.
"Become your leader?" Rainbow turned over in bed. "Why yes, it only makes sense..."
There was a boom.
Rainbow tumbled out of bed. "What! Who where!? I'm up!" She took a defensive position.
The tapping continued, lighter this time..
"Oh," Rainbow relaxed. "it's just the door." She walked through the cloudy landscape that made up her house. "I wonder who it could be at this hour?"
The tapping grew louder again.
"Okay, I'm coming, I'm coming!!" She sped up. "Keep your hooves on."  she reached the door. "Who is it?"
The tapping continued.
"Who is it!?" Rainbow was beginning to get slight annoyed.
The storm outside grew worse, lightning began to ark through the sky, followed by booms of thunder.
The tapping grew frantic.
Rainbow gave in, "Okay, but if this is a salespony I'm telling you know I don't want any of your wing fluffer!"
She swung the door open. A small orange and purple blur raced past into the house, sopping wet. It dived under the bed.
"Wha? Hey! You can't just barge in like that!" she galloped over to the bed and peaked under. "Do you hear me? Who's under there?" she reached a hoof out and pulled. "Come on out!"
The thing under the bed mumbled something.
"Come on now!"
Rainbow gave a mighty tug, it popped free and she and the thing went tumbling against the opposite wall. When her head stopped spinning she noticed a small orange and purple Pegasus pony slumped against her.
"Scootaloo?" she asked dazed.
The small Pegasus quickly righted herself, "Um, yeah, hi Rainbow!" she smiled. "Can I stay with you for a few days?"

*Theme music*

"Huh!?"  Rainbow got to her feet and eyed the little pony. "What are you doing up here?  You should be at home!"
"Yeah, but my folks....." the little pony looked downcast. "Anyway, I wanna stay with you!".
Rainbow scoffed. "Me?! I can't have a little filly around cramping my style! Go home Scootaloo."
"Please, Rainbow Dash!! I promise I won't cramp anything! I can be cool! Just watch!" Scootaloo flapped her tiny wings and rose into the air. "The triple axle double whammy!"
"Wait!"  Rainbow held out a hoof.
It was too late, in a orange and purple blur Scootaloo was off like a rocket through the house. She did three quick loops above the bed, under a table, and around a lamp.
"See? Tell me this isn't an awesome trick?"  Scootaloo asked as she flew around Rainbow's head.
"Huh," Rainbow chuckled. "what do you know, that's actually pretty good. Where did you learn that?"
Scootaloo flew across the room upside down, doing a backstroke. "I practice everyday! Plus I have a great teacher."
"Really, who?"
The orange and purple Pegasus stopped in front of Rainbow. "You."
"What!? I've never given a lesson in my life."
"Well yeah, but you're my hero!" she landed in front of the blue pegasus. "I've seen all your tricks! I've watched you since before I could gallop!"
"Well..." Rainbow, blushed slightly, but quickly hid it. "I suppose I am pretty awesome."
"So, can I stay with you!? Can I please!?" Scootaloo begged.
Rainbow put a hoof to her chin. "Hhhmmm, I don't know about this.."
"Please?.." the small Pegasus looked up at her with pleading eyes.
She caved. "Fine, you can stay with me," she sighed, "but only for a little while, you got that!?"
"Yes!  I got it, clear as crystal!" The small Pegasus leapt up and hugged Rainbow. "Thank you, thank you, thank you!!"
"Okay, okay, calm down. You can sleep in the living room. Do your folks know you're here?"
Scootaloo deflated slightly. "Oh, them..."
"What about them? Do they know where you are?" Rainbow raised an eyebrow suspiciously.
"No, no, they do!" Scootaloo said hurriedly "Don't worry about it!"
Rainbow eyed her for a while. "I'm not so su-"
She was interrupted by a large burst of thunder.
Rainbow turned to look out the window. "Wow, this storm is even worse than I planned. Huh, I even manage to surprise myself sometimes. Listen to that thunder go! " She turned back, the small Pegasus was gone. "Scoots?" she glanced around "Scootaloo? Where'd you go?"
There was a whimper from beneath the bed. Rainbow walked over.
Scootaloo poked her head out from under the bed. "Oh, hi Rainbow Dash." she said sheepishly.
"What are you doing under my bed?"
"Oh, well I'" she put a hoof to her chin. "looking for dust bunnies! Yes! They can get really nasty if not taken care of properly!"
There was another boom as thunder crashed through the sky.
Scootaloo yelped and her head disappeared under the bed again.
"Scootaloo?" Rainbow poked her head under the bed to get a look at the filly. "What's going on?"
Scootaloo was hunched against the wall. "Going on? I don't know what you mean! Nothings going on!"
Thunder shook the house.
Scootaloo whimpered and tried to back further into the wall.
"Scoots....Are you scared of the thunder?"
Scootaloo put on a defiant face. "I'm not scared of anything!"
"Woah, woah, woah, slow it up, I didn't mean anything by it. It's just you seem kind of freaked out is all."
"I'm just checking for dust bunnies."  Scootaloo said huffily.
"Alright, If you say so." Rainbow climbed back into bed. " You can sleep on the couch. Unless you're more comfortable with the dust bunnies."  
Scootaloo climbed out from under the bed. "Alright!" she raced off into the living room.
"What have I gotten myself into?" Rainbow asked herself aloud as she snuggled in to bed. She closed her eyes, and for the second time that night, she was quickly off to sleep.
"Rainbowdash!!" called a voice the next morning.
Rainbow jumped and went tumbling out of bed. "Wha! What's going on!" she said, trying to disentangle herself from the covers.
"Rainbowdash!" Scootaloo yelled. "I made breakfast, it's in the kitchen!" the small filly went racing off, leaving her to struggle with a tangle of sheets.

When she finally made it to the kitchen, she found Scootaloo waiting eagerly.
"See! Pancakes!" she pushed Rainbow forward. "Sit down sit down!"
The blue Pegasus stared down at what she assumed was suppose to be a pancake. Though it was more black and charred then she remembered pancakes being.
Scootaloo looked on expectantly.
"Um...where did you learn to make pancakes, Scootaloo?" Rainbow asked.
"Oh, nowhere, this is my first time! I did awesome as always I think."
There was silence for a few moments.
"Is there something wrong? Do you want syrup?" Scootaloo asked.
"Um, thanks, I'll try them." Rainbow eyed the black circles suspiciously. "I'm sure they're....delicious"
"Okay then!" Scootaloo stared at her again.
You only live once, Rainbow thought. She bent down to take a bite.
"So, what do you think?"  Scootaloo asked.
Rainbow's eyes watered. "What's in these?" she asked around the food.
"Oh, nothing much, flour, milk, chocolate, cheese, it's my own recipe!" Scootaloo replied smiling.
Rainbow held back a gag.
Scootaloo's face fell, "You don't like them?"
The blue Pegasus, floundered for a moment. "What!? No, they're delicious!" she said around the pancakes. "It's just, on second thought I could use that syrup. Could you get it from that cabinet way over there?"
The orange filly's face lit up. "Sure thing!" she dashed over.
Rainbow quickly grabbed her plate and flew to the window to get rid of the offending mouthful, and the rest of the food.
She was back before Scootaloo turned back around. "Oh, will you look at that! Your pancakes were so good, it turns out I didn't need syrup! All gone!"
Scootaloo smiled. "Wow! You really liked them!" she did a little fist pump. "Another thing I'm great at! Would you like some more?"
"No!" Rainbow protested. "Er....I mean, I'm about we go into town?"
"Sure! Race you!"  She was off like a rocket.
Rainbow exhaled. "What did I get myself into..." Then it dawned on her. "Race!? Wait a minute! No fair!" she was off in a blur of rainbow.

Rainbow leapt from the window in a nosedive to catch up with the small pony. Her wings beating at maximum speed. Scootaloo was already halfway to the ground in a blur of orange and purple.  The air still hung heavy with black clouds.
"Cheater!" Rainbow yelled over the rushing wind.
"All's far in race and war!" Scootaloo yelled back.
Rainbow dash rushed to catch up. Scootaloo poured on the speed, trying to keep her lead. Less than a few feet form the ground from the ground, Rainbow soared ahead.
"Yes!" she said as her hoofs touched the cobbles of the town square. "I'm still undefeated!" she put a hoof in the air. "I am the champi-"
She was interrupted as Scootaloo came speeding to the ground and crashed into her. The force sent both ponies tumbling into a nearby building.
"ion...." Rainbow finished as she got shakily to her feet.
"I-I lost." Scootaloo said, looking at the ground.
"Ah, don't sweat it kid." Rainbow Dash patted her on the back with a hoof. "You were racing me after all. You did pretty well for yourself when you consider that."
"But I hate to lose..."
"You and me both, but, if you didn't want to lose, you shouldn't have challenged the greatest flier in all of equestria!! Heh, heh." Rainbow puffed out her chest. "I am undefeated I'll have you know! It'll take a lot more than that to dethrone me!"
Scootaloo was silent.
"Ah, buck up kid!" Rainbow gave the filly a playful shove. "Someday, perhaps with practice, maybe you can almost beat me!"
"Fine, but when that day comes, I won't 'almost' beat you. Just you wait Rainbow Dash!"
The blue Pegasus chuckled "Suuurreee, we'll see, Scoots we'll see."
"We will you know!" Scootaloo protested.. "Just you wait!"
"Whatever you say!" Rainbow began walking. "Now, come on, I need to ask Applejack for some junk. You can tag along, just don't get into trouble, got it?"
"I got it." Scootaloo replied pouting.

Sweet Apple acres wasn't far from the town square. The two Pegasi arrived shortly. Applejack was there to greet them.
"Why howdy, Rainbow, how ya doin?" Applejack asked cheerily. She noticed the extra addition and her face immediately clouded. "Scootaloo?"
"Yeah, she's staying with me for a little while." Rainbow shrugged.  "I figured I'd bring her to keep her from getting into trouble."
"Um..yeah.." Applejack stared at the small filly before turning to Rainbow Dash. "Rainbow, can I talk to you inside for a minute?"
"Sure thing AJ." she turned to Scootaloo. "Stay out here, and play with the apples or something kid."
Applejack led her into the house and closed the door.
"Rainbow Dash, where did you find that girl!?" She asked hurriedly.
"Find? She found me!" Rainbow protested. "She showed up on my doorstep last night in the middle of a storm! What's up Applejack?"
"Scootaloo has been missing since yesterday! Her parents are worried sick! The family and I have been helping them look since last night!"
"What!" Rainbow looked at the earth pony in disbelief. "She told me they knew where she was!"
"So, when a little filly flies up to your doorstep in the middle of the night, through a large storm, and tells you her parents told her she could come, you just believe her!?!"
"I don't know! It was very late at night!" Rainbow looked around in a panic. "We've got to get her back home!"
The door clicked shut behind them.
"I thought you closed that door?" said Rainbow.
"I did, Scootaloo must have come in and heard us. Come on!" Applejack dashed to the door.

Rainbow Dash was right behind her. The rain had started up again.
"Look! Hoofprints!" she pointed to a trail leading off into the distance.
"They're leadin' into the Everfree Forest! Come on!" Applejack ran, following the tracks.
Rainbowdash flew ahead, Applejack had been correct, and the tracks ended at the entrance to the Everfree forest. The rain got harder.
"Oh, now why'd she have to go and run in there!?"  Applejack cried. The wind had begun to pick up, whipping her main back and forth wildly.
"Well, if she went in, we're going in after her!" Rainbow yelled over the rushing wind.
"I'm with you, Rainbow!"
The two dashed into the thick wood. The clouds above mixed with the dense upper foliage created an almost night like area under the trees. Rainbow Dash and Applejack barreled through the darkness, looking for the small filly.
Thunder boomed in the distance.
"Oh no..." Rainbow dash stopped suddenly.
Applejack skidded slightly in the moist dirt as she stopped behind her. "What's wrong Rainbow!? This storms getting worse! We have to find her quickly!" The words were almost whipped away int he gale.
"She's scared of thunder...." Rainbow Dash whispered.
"What?" Applejack yelled. The wind whipped and snapped branches, as lighting arked in the distance.
"She's scared of thunder!" Rainbow dash was off like a rocket, a small boom following in her wake.
"Rainbow!" Applejack cried from behind, but the blue and rainbow blur was gone.

Rainbow dash flew between every tree, around every bush, and behind every rock at breakneck speed. She couldn't remember the last time she'd moved this fast. The storm shook the forest as everything seemed to move and jerk under the fierce wind. The thunder grew louder, she could feel it in her bones.
"Scootaloo!!" She called. "Scootaloo!"  She flew yet faster through the trees. It was almost pitch dark.
There was a whimper.
Rainbow stopped stock still and listened. Thunder resonated through the trees, and she heard a low sob. She followed the noise to a large hollow in the side of a tree. There, the small orange Pegasus lay, curled against the back of the hollow, sobbing.
"Scootaloo." Rainbow said softly.
She yelped.
"It's just me, just me, Rainbow dash." Rainbow crawled into the hollow, and layed down next to the little filly. "So, why did you run away?" she asked.
Scootaloo sobbed quietly.
"Go on, you can tell me, if you can't tell your hero, who can you?"
The small pegasus looked up at Rainbow. "They want-" she sobbed a bit. "Me to be a baker."
"And I'm guessing you don't want to?"
"No!" The little filly said defiantly through her tears. "I want to be a weather pony like you!"
"Why didn't you just tell them? You didn't have to run away you know."
"They don't understand."
"I bet they don't." said Rainbow.
"What?" Scootaloo said, confused. "Aren't you suppose to say they do?"
"Why would I say that?" Rainbow shrugged. "They don't, the parents never do."
"Then what am I supposed to do?" Scootaloo sniffed.
"Well, what you do is, you make them understand!" Rainbow said holding up a hoof. "You tell them, 'I don't want to make cupcakes! I want to fly.' it's your life, not theirs."
Thunder echoed through the hollow. Scootaloo buried her face in Rainbow's flank.
Rainbow dash put a hoof on Scootaloo's back. "You're scared of thunder aren't you?"
"No!" the small Filly yelled.
"Come, on now, admit it."
Tears welled up in Scootaloo's eyes again. "But what kind weather pony is scared of thunder?"
"You know what?" Rainbow asked. "The smart ones."
"Huh?" Scootaloo sniffed again.
"Well, when you're up there, making the storms, bringing the rain, you have to listen to the thunder. The closer the thunder, the closer the lightening. Only the worst weatherponies aren't afraid of it."
"Are you?" Asked the small pegasus.
"Me?" Rainbow nodded "Yeah, me, but I do it awesomely. Think you could do the same?"
"Do it awesomely?"
"Yeah, be scared, but make it cool. Don't let it get the best of you. You're too smart
for anything the sky can throw at you, you know that you have nothing to fear, but your scared anyway. Because that's part of it. The fear, only losers miss out on it. Am I right?"
"Right!" Scootaloo smiled and wiped her eyes.
"Now, are you ready to go back, and tell your parents what you really want to do?"
Scootaloo looked afraid.
"Scoots, If I tell you something, I've never told anyone. Will you come with me?"  Rainbow asked.
Scootaloo nodded.
Rainbow sighed. "Okay. You know what my parents wanted me to be?"
The orange Pegasus shook her head no.
Rainbow's face scrunched as she spat out the word. "A dancer!"
Scootaloo gasped slightly. "Really?"
"Really, fancy shoes and all."
"What did you do?"
"Well," Rainbow put a hoof to her chin. " For a while I went with it, but I wasn't happy. I loved flying, but I just didn't tell them. So you know what I said?"
"I said, 'Mom, dad, I'm far too cool to be wearing a fancy tutu, I want to be a weather pony. I don't want to dance. I want to fly, and if you love me, you'll respect that.You know what they said?"
"They said 'let's return your shoes.' they got flying lessons with the money, and the rest is history."
"Is that true?" Scootaloo asked skeptically
"Cross my wings and hope the fall. Just tell them, Scoots, they'll understand, now, will you come with me? "
Scootaloo nodded. "Yes, take me home."
"Okay, get on my back."
The small filly, climbed on Rainbows back, and they exited the hollow. The storm had ebbed, but still rain fell onto their heads.
"Ready to go, Rainbow?" asked as voice.
"Wha!" the blue Pegasus turned to see Applejack leaning against the other side of the tree, chewing a blade of grass. "Applejack! What did you hear?!"
"Enough." she said coyly. "I bet you looked adorable in those shoes."
Rainbow Dashed blushed.
"If you tell anyone about that, I swear you'll wake up on a cloud several thousand feet up!"
"Don't you worry, Rainbow." Applejack said with a smile. "My lips are sealed."  She turned and began to walk out of the forest. "You two comin? I'm sure your parents are worried sick!"

They arrived at Scootaloo's house. The little filly dismounted, and looked up at Rainbow Dash. "Thank you." she said quietly.
"Stop by anytime." Rainbow smiled.
Scootaloo's eyes lit up. "Really!"
The blue pegasus laughed. "Really. Now go on, I'm sure they'll be happy to see you. I think you should be the one to explain all this."
The small orange filly hugged Rainbow quickly, then dashed into the house.
Rainbow dash stood there for a moment.
She was shaken from her thoughts by Applejack "You did good Rainbow" she said "That girl picked a good role-model."
"Really?" rainbow asked, her face turning red again. "Oh, I mean, of course!"  
Applejack smiled. "Of course" she turned to walk back home. "Now, I'd like to see some of those dances you learned.
"Hey! You said your lips were sealed!"
"My hooves were crossed, and shall remain so, until I at least see a pirouette."
"Oh come on!.....Applejack!!" The blue Pegasus raced off after her.

The storm had stopped, and the sky was clear. That night, Scootaloo slept sound in bed. With dreams of flying lessons.

I figured I'd upload this next sense "Scootabuse" has been a popular thing lately. As someone who's seen abuse, I don't really like the idea. Though I don't have anything against anyone who does, I thought I'd upload this Scoot and Dash fic as a bit of a counter.

This was done as a request from :iconcsimadmax:

Art by :iconmegasweet:
Add a Comment:
ladyhart21 Featured By Owner May 5, 2012
So! Cute! I loved this story, and I love Rainbow being a good mentor - I believe she could be if they tried it in the show. Applejack's sass at the end made me laugh :) nice job.
malanaks Featured By Owner Dec 9, 2011  Hobbyist Digital Artist
The world needs more Scootalove. Good job with this fic, I liked it.
FemKyuxNaruto Featured By Owner Sep 4, 2011
My only problem: "Well, when you're up there, making the storms, bringing the rain, you have to listen to the thunder. The closer the thunder, the closer the lightening. Only the worst weatherponies aren't afraid of it."
That doesn't make much sense since the thunder comes after the lightning, by the time they know how close a lightning bolt may have been it's pretty useless information.
conventionallyI Featured By Owner Aug 5, 2011
I don't really have much to say that APonyFarce didn't, though i'd work on your capitalization if i were you, it's a bit random and spotty, and like many people, you misabuse <- i know, not a word commas. They really don't need to be as often as you like to put them. Also, when you have ellipses (...) they can suffice for a period, and so there is never a circumstance in which more than three are appropriate in any writing.

I have to say, and I'm sorry, but I think Dash was out of character. She's just not the nurturing kind, and she was way too nice to Scootaloo there. I understand that it's pretty much anti-Scootabuse, which is valid, because there's no reason to turn the fact that RBD is a bad older sibling type into RBD likes to torture young ponies, but the fact is that she's pretty self-oriented. She only likes Scootaloo for the adoration, she doesn't actually want to take care of her or help her grow. So i really felt as though what you were doing there was far fetched and unlikely. Everything after "Look! Hoofprints!" stretched my suspension of disbelief too far. Up to there, you were doing fine with characterization, and the structure was, as others have said, vaguely similar to that of the show. I could certainly imagine cartoon ponies.

However (i don't know when you wrote this, so it may not be your fault) it seems that you portrayed Scootaloo as destined to be a weather pony, when, after the talent show episode, it seems pretty obvious that her talent is either scootering (well, duh, her name) or dancing - interesting, considering that you said RBD was intended to be a dancer. But i've seen no indication that, even though she adores Dash, clearly, Scootaloo wants to be a weather pony. But hey, your interpretation is your own.

Overall, your plots are much more solid than your conventions, and i think proper characterization got pushed aside in favor of sending your message, which i agree was a good one. People take things to far. And Scootabuse i think is definitely one of those things.
Upixo Featured By Owner Jul 30, 2011
Short, enjoyable story. Pulled off the Rainbow Dash attitude really, really well. Scootacute ftw!
KaBlamoid4Life Featured By Owner Jul 27, 2011  Hobbyist Digital Artist
I loved every minute of it.
Ragnarokia Featured By Owner Jul 24, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
Nice story, and great character interaction, was nice to read.
Squeak-Anon Featured By Owner Jul 26, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you! :love:
AlmostLiterally Featured By Owner Jul 12, 2011
Love it! Like the others mentioned, it reminds me a lot of the show itself.
Squeak-Anon Featured By Owner Jul 20, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
That's what I was going for, so that's high praise! Glad you enjoyed it!
Solaris90 Featured By Owner Jul 1, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
Very nice fic. I love Scootalove! :D
Squeak-Anon Featured By Owner Jul 4, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you! It's a bit of Anti-Scootabuse on my part. :)
Solaris90 Featured By Owner Jul 4, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
I hate Scootabuse. :( So that makes this even better! :)
Squeak-Anon Featured By Owner Jul 5, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
Me too, uhg.
APonyFarce Featured By Owner Jun 27, 2011  Student Writer
The story here is actually pretty good. You matched the tone and style of the show well- I could see something like this being an episode. I also like how you've characterized the Dash/Scootaloo interaction; it feels natural and in-character. (I could go on about how Scootabuse is the worst thing (it is the worst thing) but that's beside the point.)

However- and I'm going to be frank here- your prose is kind of a mess. The grammar is weird, the punctuation is awkward, the formatting is off, and it just reads very strangely. I feel like there's a very good fanfiction in here, but it needed some serious copyediting. I really do like this story, and I want to be as constructive as possible, so if you don't mind I'm going to pull out a random paragraph and kind of play editor for a moment:

"Rainbow gave a mighty tug, it popped free and she and the thing went tumbling against the opposite wall. When her head stopped spinning she noticed a small orange and purple Pegasus pony slumped against her."

The first problem we run into is the punctuation. You can't really separate two distinct, sequential events with a single comma. There should be a second comma after "free" or else "Rainbow gave a mighty tug" should be its own sentence. Alternately, we can restructure the sentence altogether and rephrase it so that both "it popped free" and "she and the thing went tumbling" are presented as direct results of the tug. (I'd do that last one, personally.)

Secondly, "thing" isn't really the best word to use here, since it has a kind of casual, dismissive connotation that doesn't fit the scenario very well. At the very least, I think the word "object" would fit a little better.

This is just a minor thing, but the word "and" has a weird cadence when you use it multiple times close together, which makes "and she and the thing" read kind of awkwardly. Sometimes you have to use a bunch of 'and's together, but I would try to avoid it when possible. In this case, I think "them" is an acceptable replacement, and it reads much more smoothly. I'm not entirely sure if it's appropriate, though, since you haven't explicitly identified the 'thing' as another pony yet; you may want to consider having Dash immediately recognize that it's another pony running into her house, even if she doesn't know it's Scootaloo at first.

Also, "against" is the wrong preposition; if they were tumbling "against" the wall, that would mean they were right up next to it and were moving alongside it, which I'm pretty sure isn't what you were going for.

The second sentence is mostly fine, but there are some slight grammatical errors. Specifically, there should be a comma after "spinning" and "orange and purple" should be hyphenated. Additionally, despite the fact that spellcheck insists on capitalizing the word "Pegasus," in this case I'm pretty sure it should be lowercase since you're using it as an adjective to describe a type of magical talking pony, not as a proper noun referring to the mythological winged horse.

Putting it all together, we get something like this:

"Dash gave a mighty tug, pulling the object free and sending both of them tumbling into the opposite wall. When her head stopped spinning, she noticed a small orange-and-purple pegasus pony slumped against her."

(There are actually a couple of other things I might do to try and play with the wording a bit, but that's a good enough demonstration, I think. Also, I changed "Rainbow" to "Dash" because I think it sounds cooler. Besides, she's more about the speed than the rainbows.)

Anyway, I know that was a little nitpicky, and I hate to go so in-depth on such a specific part of the piece, but hopefully it helped to clarify what I mean when I talk about editing.

The other piece of advice I have for you is to keep in mind that you're writing prose, not a script. Things like *theme music* don't really belong in fiction; the cold open followed by a title sequence and a scene change is more-or-less exclusive to television, and it just doesn't work in text. More importantly, though, your writing is generally just very literal and not terribly descriptive, especially when there's dialog.

Remember, a TV show has voice acting and body language and background music and a long list of other things that you don't have in writing, and that's what really sells the characters and pull us into the story. In prose, however, you don't just have those things; you need to give them to us. You need to be descriptive and use your language to suck the reader into the story. You can't just tell them what's going on, you need to describe it, if that makes any sense.

Alright, that's my incredibly long comment for you. I hope it was helpful.
Squeak-Anon Featured By Owner Jun 29, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
Wow, thanks for such an in-depth comment! I'm glad you enjoyed the story despite it's various errors. It was one of my earliest fics, so it does indeed need a lot of polish. Thanks for going over it's flaws so concisely it really helps to learn the mechanics of such things, and hopefully reading your comment shall make me a better storyteller. Thank you.
APonyFarce Featured By Owner Jun 29, 2011  Student Writer
Don't mention it. Truth be told, I'm usually not really a 'details' kind of guy, but I just really enjoy going into long, detailed rants about the mechanics of writing.
Juria316 Featured By Owner Jun 18, 2011
Good to see more anti-scootabuse. :D
Squeak-Anon Featured By Owner Jun 19, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
Yes, I hate that trend, who would want to abuse something so cute? :(
Juria316 Featured By Owner Jun 23, 2011
Jerkwads. :P
FireFics Featured By Owner May 19, 2011
That was... Soooo cute! Very reminiscent of the show's format. Great dialogue. Great pacing, great elements, good brevity. Fun to read!

Thank you!

Criticisms - assuming you want any, otherwise stop here - the flow is rather choppy. That's something I'm trying to figure out myself, so... Well, I guess you have to make sure new concepts and settings are introduced in proper order and in sufficient detail so as not to be confusing, right?

So, say, instead of "The door clicked shut behind them", it'd be "A loud click drew their attention: the door behind them slammed shut." I don't actually know.
Squeak-Anon Featured By Owner May 19, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you! I'm glad you liked it, this fic is one of my lessor commented on, so I'm very happy to take any bit of feedback! I tried to follow the show's format very closely when I wrote it, so it's great to know I pulled it off. This is one of my earlier stories, so I can see your point about the choppy nature of some parts of the story, and some parts where things could have flowed better. I like to think I've improved since this, but it's always great to go back and see what you can change. :)
FireFics Featured By Owner May 19, 2011
It does flow hoof-in-hoof with the show, so, heck yeah. Also, I was about to mention: you did improve, quite noticably. As an artist ought to, no matter where he is on the mud-slick path to greatness and sometimes hard drugs... I mean: go you!
cloudwatcherpony Featured By Owner May 3, 2011
Very well done.
Squeak-Anon Featured By Owner May 8, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you! Glad you enjoy it.
zone804 Featured By Owner May 2, 2011
Good story, i enjoyed it. Now I want to see a picture of Rainbow Dash in a TuTu. Hehe
Squeak-Anon Featured By Owner May 2, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you!! I'm glad you liked it!

There is one you know, someone actually drew filly Dash in a tutu after they read the story a while back. You can see it here if you like:

zone804 Featured By Owner May 2, 2011
Ahh! Thats a great picture, thanks for linking it!
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